I hereby announce the formation of a dynamic new religious opportunity, Atheists for Christ.tm
Further, it has been revealed unto me that I have been anointed Prophet-in-Chief, thereby serving as the sole source of all AfC revelation.
Additionally, in as much as it has also been revealed to me that Heaven is much smaller than previously thought, membership will need to be limited to only 250,000 on a first come, first served basis. Of these, only 50,000 of the saved may be males. (The number of faithful dogs however is unlimited.)
The initial membership donation has been set at $39.95, with an annual renewal and soul-cleansing donation of $19.95. (Life memberships are available for $199.95) Try beating that at your run of the mill church down the street.
In return for your membership and complete submission to my revelations, you will receive absolutely nothing.
But that’s not all! Act now, and as an added bonus I guarantee that all your prayers will be answered at precisely the same rate and with results identical to those you experienced in the Abrahamic Faith of your previous choice. (Sorry, bonus cannot be extended to godless heathens.)
Since ours is a digital faith, there will be no edifices of worship, no clerics, and no missionaries, meaning that your tax base will not be further eroded, your children will be safer from clerical molestation, and your dinner will never be interrupted.
Make out your checks today to John E. Shuey and mail to 4457 Empty Skies Drive, Skepticville, TX, 75666. (Female applicants please include a recent photo of yourself in a bathing suit or lingerie.)
“May nothing be with you.” tm